It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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