there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
