If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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