I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it because I queefed?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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