judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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