Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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