When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
