Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize