Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
