Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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