i permit you to call me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
