Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
