thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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