No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
