So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
