My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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