I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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