I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm too high and old for this...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
