go do what you do best...puke behind churches
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
