So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
