Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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