fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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