youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
