I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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