Plan B is the new Plan A
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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