I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
