Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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