i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
