weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
