I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
