I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
