I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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