Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
