I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
what day is it and did you see me today?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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