Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
