I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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