The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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