i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
