I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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