oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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