totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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