apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
