i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
