I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
