i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
last night I used snow as a chaser
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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