I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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