What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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