I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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