Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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