Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
