i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
