You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
