Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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