College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
