is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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