It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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