sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
