I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he fucked my hip out of place.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize